Inspired by the most boring day in history, a day that by process of deduction assumes to have done little in the way of advancing humanity, Ray Leathern recalls his most boring cars of 2011 and consider whether they aren’t just as inane.
I recently stumbled upon a newspaper column, written by a historian, which attempted to find the most boring day ever in human history. He managed to peg it on April 11, 1954. All that happened that day were the Belgian general elections. Not a single other thing of interest happened that day: no war was fought, no treaty signed, no invention patented, no would be celebrity was born (not even Sting), nothing. And if this was the least significant day in history, we can also assume it was also the day that did the least to forward humanity along.
And this got me thinking about cars… naturally. Trying to peg the most boring car of all time is a tough one with all those motorised tricycles from ‘nineteen-voetsak’ as my dad would say, but how about in 2011? Has there been a car equivalent to the most boring day of the year, a most boring car of the year? And if there is, does such an entity represent the car that has done the least to forward motoring along? It surely must do. Well… I know exactly where to start with such an investigation.
I have an Excel spread sheet that contains in it every vehicle I’ve driven throughout the year, as well as how many km’s I’ve covered in each. So far in 2011, I’m on 113th car, but there are just four cars on that list that I have not yet written about. Yes, over 12 months, only four, I think that’s pretty good going; but nevertheless this says something about those final four does it not? This is the perfect departure point from which to start refining our search, and it allows me to mention these last cars so none of the manufacturers gets mad at me for not covering them this year.
Now, don’t forget that we aren’t searching for the worst, or slowest, or ugliest, or cheapest, or most offensive car of 2011. Those are all the Geely LC. No, we are searching for a car that’s like channel 434 on DSTV: totally irrelevant to your life… to the point that it might as well not exist. You may be surprised but there are some good cars on this list. Bad cars are often quite interesting while good-ish ones very rarely make for interesting reading… and these were the four cars in 2011 that I couldn’t, for love or money, find any words for. In no particular order (because an order would be too interesting) they are:
Honda Jazz Comfort CVT – R188 987
You see what I mean about good cars being uninteresting? The Honda Jazz is very good. With a 73 kW, 1.3-litre i-VTEC engine, loads of space and practical merit with its ‘magic seats’ and doors that open almost 90 degrees to make getting in the back easier; it is a great car. But it is still a Jazz, I mean come on, I’m trying my best here. The steering feel is good I suppose but there is little grip or excitement to its drive and it doesn’t handle all that brilliantly because of the tall cabin. It now has two pedals so your elderly mother or grandmother can drive it too. The CVT transmission isn’t brilliant but it isn’t the worst either and for anyone who couldn’t be bothered to change gears themselves it’ll do the job perfectly well. Is this the most boring car of 2011? No, it’s quite boring but the Jazz’s, humble good qualities save it from being that car.
Peugeot 308 1.6 VTi Access – R200 990
This is more like it. There is nothing like a Peugeot to do a stellar job of turning your weeks’ worth of driving into a hazy, squinty eyed fog. I faintly remember the 88 kW petrol engine (don’t presume I actually know, I had to look that power figure up) feeling underpowered for the 308’s massive body. I also recall thinking to myself, why would anyone buy a hatch such as the 308 when the market is teaming with cars like the Volkswagen Golf, Alfa Romeo Guilietta, or the Opel Astra? I also remember thinking it wasn’t as spacious on the interior as the exteriors lardy proportions might have suggested. It was also difficult to park because of the rounded fenders I had trouble keeping track of. But with its facelift I suppose it’s actually quite a good looking-ish sort of car. Not a massive change from the old one, but still a worthy effort, and the interior was loaded with kit too. So the 308’s rough edges and respectable looks actually provide it with a faint hint of character, as the French always seem to do.
Kia Cerato 2.0 SX 5-dr – R206 995
This was another week of motoring that just disappeared somewhere in between the back of the couch and the skirting board. The Kia website tells me the Cerato hatch makes 114 kW and 197 Nm, and now that I’m casting my mind back, I do recall it having quite a lot of punch. But I also remember the clutch feeling quite stringy and the steering wanting to self-centre way too easily, this made for quite a numb driving attitude so it didn’t leave much of an impression. The engine note was that of a rough four cylinder and the gear change was fond of crunching every now and then. There wasn’t loads of grip from the front tyres but once you did get the nose tucked in, it did enjoy a few corners I suppose. Some will like its fake rear diffuser, I don’t and I also don’t know if Kia sees it as a hot hatch sort of a car or an everyday family affair, but it manages to miss the mark on both. It is in one form or another, called the Ce’ed in the UK, the ‘reasonably priced car’ on Top Gear at the moment, which does make it a little more interesting than it would normally be.
Chevrolet Cruze 2.0D LT – R280 100
Yes I know it’s the top of the range Cruze with 110 kW and 320 Nm and it’s by far the best to drive out of the range with its snicky manual gearbox, and the cunning that is General Motors highly successful ‘world car platform,’ sold in other markets as the Malibu, but I still found it genuinely unremarkable to spend time with. The 1.6 and 1.8’s are just downright bad and the 2.0D isn’t, but that doesn’t make it interesting. The interior plastics and materials aren’t going to win it a guest appearance on Top Billing any time soon, that’s for sure, and everything else was fair, that’s all there is to report. You really do get the sense that it’s a product that is made to adequate requirements, and is meant to be sold at a reasonable cost nothing more. To be honest driving it felt like I had a rental car for the week, a decent rental car, but a rental car none the less. It also had no national character trait to it. Is it American, Korean, oh it’s a world car. I suppose you could argue its better looking and specified than a Toyota Corolla, but way-hay that’s not saying much now is it? Being slightly more reasonable than the all-time reigning champion of reasonableness, but I don’t think it even pulls that off…, the Toyota Corolla does at least fill you with a sense of pride when you’re in it, that you’re driving one of the staples of motoring. The Cruze sells in huge numbers and wins touring car championships but it still doesn’t have that pedigree. Not the 2.0D specifically, but I’m speaking on behalf of the entire range now: The Chevrolet Cruze is the blandest car you can buy, and according to our historian columnist that must make it the car that has done the least for motoring in recent years.
Ray Leathern has been test driving and critiquing cars for four years now. He is South Africa’s 2010 Motoring Journalist of the Year in the magazine category, as well as a member of SA’s 2011 Car of the Year jury. What Ray writes, we read, and we suggest you do too.
